bahaha i don’t work right now! my most recent job was at blockbuster a few months ago, and needless to say the company has since gone bankrupt and the store i worked at only accepts cash right now SO i wouldn’t suggest looking for employment there!
this might be tmi or wildly inappropriate for some of you so feel free to skip.
natalia gave me the suggestion of writing something down to alleviate my mind of the random thought diarrhea it’s currently having. i was just woken up by my mother telling me that my great uncle steven was dead. her words didn’t really register until i got out of bed and followed her as she frantically got ready around her room to go meet up with my grandma, who was the one that found him after he didn’t show up for work the past two days. it just brings about all of these weird emotions because i saw him on monday night and he seemed fine. he was sitting in his usual chair at the table and we were laughing at my incredibly sacrilegious presentation of the haggadah, eating macaroons and chocolate chip mandel bread (but not gefilte fish, since that was something we both shared a great dislike for), exchanging thoughts about our favorite tv shows these days, passing a scrap or two to my dog when no one was looking i’m sure. a day later, he spoke to my mom on the phone to wish her a happy birthday.
my first thought of panic was if i properly said goodbye to him that night. i mean, there is no proper way to say goodbye when someone just suddenly dies, but did i make sure to hug him? tell him i’d see him soon? at first i thought i hadn’t, since i had been in my room with my friend kristen after dessert, but then i remembered coming out and giving everyone hugs and kisses. next train of thought brought about all the obvious questions when something like this happens: why, how, and what’s going to happen next? how is the rest of my family reacting (i wanted to go with my mom but she told me i should probably stay home, and i have a feeling she was right)? what can i do for them? how soon is too soon to start telling people? another family member had a stroke in the past couple of days and is in the hospital in pennsylvania, and my aunts were going to see her for easter. does this take priority, or should they divide up their time? that isn’t even my question to answer. how is our next family affair going to feel without him on the table at the end, or quietly finding a time to come and ask me how my anxiety is doing? to tell me that he went through it too, and never really got fully out of his agoraphobia, but that i was strong and brilliant and could do it? without realizing it, i went and sat down on the couch right next to where he was sitting the other night. it was like i could still see him smiling and sipping on his glass of white wine between chuckles.
then some not-so-obvious questions arose, which go to show what a fucked up day and age this is: should i post something on my facebook status or should i wait until the family has been notified by phone? where is the fine line between conveniently spreading the word cross respect? and do i tweet about it… how do you even express the sentiment over a family member passing? definitely not in 140 characters or less. and now i am writing an entry about it on tumblr, when i should probably just keep it in a word file locked up somewhere. i’ve never really been sympathy-seeking about things like this; i’m not the person who makes the entire world aware when something catastrophic has shaken the base foundation of my life. of our lives in this case, since it genuinely affects my grandma and my mom/aunt more because they all grew up with him. but maybe right now what i need is an outpost because i’m sitting alone at home and still trying to put the pieces together.
i’ve rambled enough now to at least go make myself a cup of coffee or try to take a shower and figure out what to do now. maybe i will go outside and write some more in a journal, or just wait by the phone to hear more. rest in peace uncle steven, i hope you know wherever you are that i love you.