1. after downloading it weeks ago, i finally succumbed and watched never let me go tonight. without a doubt, it’s the most depressing film i’ve ever watched… doesn’t just tug at your heartstrings but violently pulls at them until they’re stretched thin like a worn old rubber band that is about to snap apart. part of me wants to read the book now, but i think that would just sadden me even more.
2. for some reason, watching the film inspired me to start writing. well, i’m an english major who certainly doesn’t write as often as i should, and i’ve been wanting to get back into the habit for a while. it’s a bit daunting to open up a completely blank word file and just start jotting down ideas with the vain hope that they’ll blossom into something more. but i do have a little seed of something in mind, it just needs watering to cultivate.
3. it’s starting to become a stark reality that my dog emma is really, really old. my mom told me that she was sick earlier this week and vomiting all over the house, and a lot of nights she is too tired to move from wherever she is to greet my dad when he comes home (she usually runs at high speed with a toy in her mouth or yelping loudly). she stayed in my room tonight and barely moved, even when i left the room for dinner and to go have a cigarette outside. my dad came in and told me that she’s been “acting weird” lately, and i don’t know. this has been a looming thought in the back of my mind for a while now, and i am deathly afraid it’s being actualized. i don’t want to imagine what life would be like without her.
sob on and off for an hour straight.
it was like opening the floodgates after being pounded by the rush of the ocean for decades. revisiting memories can elicit emotions just as raw as the ones that originally inspired writing them down. the weird part of it all is that i cried, yet they’re mostly happy memories. they are trials and tribulations of the first two years in college. the nights spent at hanger bar drinking free vodka, the movies we watched until we could recite the lines backwards with our eyes closed, the new restaurants we tried whose delivery numbers we knew by heart, the love affair with the gay-then straight-then unsure-then most certainly gay friend, the contented delirium of reuniting with high school friends after breaks away from each other, the outward exploration of the city and the coinciding internal discoveries.
i miss being able to go out and drink without getting too scared of going overboard or getting sick. i miss the days i could’ve been convinced the sun was shining out of my own ass because of how quickly i’d skip out of bed and try to seize the day. i miss not constantly coming up with new ailments and worrying about my own health even after the million dollar work up and the prescription pad doodles. i miss friends who have long since been cut out of my life, or who have cut me out of theirs. i miss not feeling like i’m burdening anyone with my problems or worrying about how i word something as to not create repeat instance. i miss the sense of entitlement i felt towards happiness, like i owned it and i had an certain stake and it was mine to stubbornly cling onto. but most of all i miss feeling invincible, like even the strongest dose of kryptonite could still only get me on my knees but never fully knock me down. what an ignorant and fleeting notion.
because none of these things really last forever in the first place, and it would be ignorant to falsely hope life could return to that point. we go from destination a to destination b with the hopes of eventually reaching destination h, and destination m, and so on and so forth down a linear path of connect the dots (or letters if you want to stay technical). we don’t do 360 degree pirouettes and gracefully return to starting pose with pointed toes. yet my memories will always pollute the back of my mind with the sense of a nagging nostalgia, stubbornly parading around and leaving carbon footprints of what was. to always want what isn’t now and what won’t be again.
we always want what we can’t have.
yes i was listening to lady gaga in the background. shut the fuck up!